Feedback that gets heard: a practical checklist

Start with when. Feedback is most useful soon after the event, when both people remember it and there is still something that can be done. A comment about a presentation the same afternoon can be used for the next one. The same comment nine months later, in an annual review, is a grievance that nobody can act on. If you notice yourself saving things up for the formal review, treat that as a sign that you are avoiding a conversation, and have it now.

Prepare briefly. Before you speak, ask yourself what exactly you want to say, what you saw, and what you want to happen as a result. Check that you are not angry; feedback delivered in irritation is mostly heard as irritation. Choose a private, unhurried moment, not the end of a meeting, not in front of others, and not a late-evening message that arrives with no tone of voice. For difficult feedback, ask in advance for a few minutes, so that the other person is not taken by surprise.

Use a simple structure. A widely used one has three parts. First, what happened: the specific, observable behaviour, with a date or example. Second, the effect: what it did to the work, the team or the customer. Third, what next: what you would like to see, or a question about how to handle it. For example: in Tuesday's client call you spoke over the customer twice, and she seemed to stop sharing her concerns; could we talk about how to handle that part of the call next time? Note what is missing. There is no 'you are always rude', no guess about motives, and no list of old grievances. It describes what you saw, says what resulted and asks for a next step.

Be specific, and avoid generalities. Words like always, never and attitude are the common ways feedback goes wrong. They invite an argument about whether it is always or never, and do not tell the person what to change. Describe behaviour, not character. 'You missed the deadline twice this month' can be discussed. 'You are careless' will only be defended against.

Leave room for their account. You may have missed something, such as a reason for the delay or an instruction you did not know about. Ask what they saw and listen to the answer. This is not weakness. It improves the accuracy of the feedback, and it makes it much more likely that the person will do something about it. Then agree what happens next, and when you will check.

Do not hide critical feedback inside praise. The 'feedback sandwich' tends to leave people remembering the praise and missing the point, or distrusting praise afterwards. It is better to give the positive feedback separately, soon after the good work, and be direct, kind and clear when the matter is critical.

Make positive feedback specific too. 'Good job' is pleasant and forgettable. 'The way you laid out the options in that proposal made it easy for the client to decide, and it saved us a second meeting' tells the person what to repeat. Recognise work that is easy to overlook: the careful handover, the quiet fix, the colleague helped. Do not set up praise so that it ends in 'but'.

Giving feedback sideways, to a colleague, or upwards, to a manager, calls for a little more care. Ask permission: 'Would it be useful if I shared an observation about the meeting?' Describe the effect on the work or on you, not their character. Choose a private moment, and begin with a question where you can. Be realistic, too. Some people, and some workplaces, do not respond well, and it is reasonable to pick which things are worth raising.

Receiving feedback is a skill of its own. When you hear something critical, the first reaction is usually to defend or to withdraw. Try to do neither for a minute. Breathe, and listen to the whole of it. Ask for an example if you do not understand: 'Can you tell me about a time when this happened?' Repeat back what you heard, to check it. You do not have to agree on the spot. Say thank you, say you will think about it, and take time. Later, separate what is useful from what is unfair, and decide what you will do. If you act on it, tell the person afterwards. It shows that feedback to you is worthwhile, and it makes the next conversation easier.

Ask for feedback, and ask well. 'Any feedback?' tends to get 'No, it is fine'. Ask about something specific: 'How did the client presentation come across to you?' or 'What is one thing I could do differently in team meetings?' Choose people who have seen your work, and ask soon after the event. When someone gives you an answer, thank them and show that you acted on it.

A quick checklist before you give feedback. Is it soon enough? Is it specific? Have I described what I saw, not what I assume? Have I said what the effect was? Do I know what I am asking for? Have I picked a private, calm moment? Am I willing to hear their side? Have I agreed a follow-up? If the answer to most of these is yes, you are likely to be heard.